My relationship with my parents is complicated. I love them, most of the time. And most of the time, they love me. But we do have our moments, as most families do.

Last Sunday evening, we had one of those moments. My father was in a sour mood last weekend and so he chose not to come for my installation service. When he failed to show up, I was pretty angry, a little sad, but mostly disappointed that he missed such a beautiful service. I really had wanted him to be there.

How delightfully ironic that just seven days later I was scheduled to preach out of all the commandments, this one:

honor your father and your mother so that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.

Well, maybe I don’t want any land my heart said at the beginning of the week.

But I don’t think it was or is God’s intention for us to treat the ten commandments like a smorgasbord.

I take a little of the first and sixth today, but I don’t need any Sabbath rest. How about eight, nine, and ten, but forget number seven my wife is driving me nuts this week

Although we pick and choose every day, which commandments we live by and which ones we ignore I don’t think that was God’s intention when he gifted them to Moses. I think they’re a package deal. Buy into one and get nine free.

No matter how I’m feeling about my parents, scripture still holds my feet to the fire commanding me to honor them. After all, I wouldn’t need scripture, or worship, or this community of faith if I was called to honor my parents only when they were perfect.

Traditionally, this fifth commandment gets stashed off in the children’s wing or shouted across the living room when our kids are not doing what we want them to do But these well known words are meant for us, the adults in the community, just like all the other commandments are directed at adults.

When reading the commandments out loud, Moses didn’t pause and invite the children to come forward when he got to the fifth commandment. These are not words for children still living under our care. They are words for grown up children.

The way I see it, the fifth commandment is less about listening to our parents when we are young and dependent upon them, and more about honoring them when they are old and becoming dependent upon us.

I had lunch with several Ginger Cove residents on Friday and with this sermon on my mind I asked them what they thought it meant to honor one’s mother and father. The words respect, compassion, and grace freely floated around the table.

The text does not identify any particular behavior but is open-ended, inviting us to respond in any way that honors parents. 1 The Hebrew translation gives us a few clues: the translated word for honor means weight or to give weight to.

As adults, I think honoring one’s parents means taking them seriously. Not writing them off as too old or infirm. Not downplaying their advice or perspective on the world. Honor doesn’t always mean follow or agree or believe. But it does mean to give weight to, to take their contribution to your world seriously.

I think honoring one’s parents means being honest with them. I think it means not shrinking who we are or who we are becoming into something they may yearn for us to be.

Chris Hedges writes that honoring one’s parents does not mean that we become them. I think it means living our lives, perhaps not the lives they would have hoped for us, but our lives fully and completely. With gusto. Letting our lights shine and shine brightly.

I think honoring one’s parents means staying connected with them, however their older years may unfold. Staying connected even when they are distant or oblivious. Staying connected when their lives slide backwards as the world races forwards.

I think honoring one’s parents means keeping the things worth keeping and getting rid of the rest. We all carry, imprinted on our faces, lodged within our bodies, the unavoidable mark of our parents. What is worth keeping and what is in need of revision?

I think honoring ones parents means forgiving them for their mistakes and seeing them as human beings who mess up, crack up, fall down, and fail every once in awhile.

I think honoring one’s parents means taking a few bottles of wine with us whenever we return home for the holidays. Who doesn’t like to have a toast said in their honor? As adults, I think honoring one’s parents means having those difficult conversations about the end of life, now, rather than later when there may not be enough time. Where do they want to be? Who do they want making decisions for them? What hymns shall be sung at their funeral? I think honoring one’s parents means knowing what their wishes are before it’s too late to find out.

I think honoring one’s parents means advocating for quality elder care everywhere affordable drugs, regulated home health workers, creative and dynamic senior centers, safe and adequate transportation. The fifth commandment reminds us able-bodied adults of our obligations to all elderly parents, not just our own.

I think honoring one’s parents means remembering them once they are gone. Remaining grateful for the life they began for us; always mindful of the roots from which we have sprung.

Now, we don’t need to look far in this world to see that not everyone’s roots are strong, or positive, or healthy. Not everyone is blessed with honorable parents. Let me be loud and clear, the fifth commandment does not force children to honor that which is not honorable It does not bless parental brutality, abuse, or neglect. This is NOT what the fifth commandment is about.

Some of you know that I am training to be a CASA volunteer. CASA stands for Court Appointed Special Advocate a person who is assigned to the case of an abused or neglected child in order to ensure that the child’s best interests are represented. The children who are assigned a CASA have broken parents, broken homes, and broken lives. How different this commandment must sound in their ears Although we do not get to choose who our parents are or, how in the end, they treat us. What we do get a choice in is whether or not we will heed God’s instruction for life and the life everlasting We do get a say in how we honor our fathers and mothers, who together with God, gave us life, got us started, sunk roots deep in the earth for us.

Even though my parents are complicated, at times, difficult to understand and absent at important occasions, even though we have our moments when the promise of long days and land don’t really entice me I will honor them. In my own way, not always perfectly. I will not shrink from the life that God has called me to. I will honor them by shining and shining brightly.

After all, when we honor our parents, we’re really honoring God the Everlasting One who gave us life in and through our parents the Eternal One, who at the beginning and the end and in all the moments in between, is the only perfect parent.

The love from God far surpasses the great love that parents have for their children. The love from God is deeper and wider than the love we have for our own children if we have or choose to have them. As parents’ love just gets us started, it is God’s love that makes us whole.

So that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you. honor your father and your mother even and especially on the days when you would rather trade in the land.